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I’ve had several people ask me about dealing with relationships. Most people will tell you that there is little you can do to change another person’s outlook on life or how they treat others. To some degree, I will go along with that. The other person always has a choice. There is only one life you can, without fail, change. That life is your own.

How to change someone else.

Okay, so that title is a bit misleading. You can’t always change someone else. It’s not like there is some incantation that will make them do what you want. If there is, I don’t know it. If you do, please write and tell me!

Let me tell you a story.

Today I went to buy lunch for myself and my wife. I hit the little place where I was going to buy a take out lunch right at the time they seemed to get several call-in orders. This place is very popular with the local businesses.

When the guy came up to the order window, I could tell he was rushed. I gave him my order and he disappeared to start making it.

I stood there about five minutes when a lady walked up to the window to order. The people in the back were so busy they did not see her. She waited a couple of minutes and then said something under her breath and stormed off.

Had they seen her and come to the window, I’m sure she would not have been pleasant.

I knew they had lost an order due to being so busy. I started sending them thoughts that things would go easy for them. I sent them thoughts that they would put together the meals they had to prepare quickly and easily.

In just a minute or two, a young lady of Hispanic decent came out with my order. The way she spoke, I could tell Spanish was her native tongue and I thanked her with “Gracious!” She smiled a huge smile and said, “De Nada.”

Now, did I really cause them to be able to put my lunches together quicker than if I had not sent those thoughts and energies? I have no idea. What I did do was cause my own attitude to be one of graciousness and giving. I wasn’t upset; I was trying to help them in the only way I could.

The other woman sent negative energy and if they had served her, I’m sure she would have been grouchy and the interchange would not have been enjoyable for either of them.

When you are having relationship difficulties, try the same thing. Love them as best you can. Send them thoughts, prayer, energy, whatever you believe in, to help them in their life.

Will it change anything for them?

It might. I believe that what we put out comes back, but there isn’t much you can do to prove it. What I do believe is that you own attitude will change toward that person. Because you are kinder, they will return that kindness, to some degree.

You know for a fact that if you snap at someone, they will often be curt back to you. If you smile at them, they will smile back. It isn’t rocket science and it isn’t some woo-woo, magic formula. It’s just human nature.

Will it work every time? No, you cannot control others. It will, however, work every time with you. Every time you are kind and put out positive thoughts and energy, you will feel better. If the other person does not respond to the kindness, it is their problem.

What kind of relationship problems are you having? Have you tried this method on that problem? How did it work out? Leave a comment and share with us. If you don’t, you’re stuck with your problem by yourself!

P.S. I tried something new with this post. You have written content, a video, and a podcast version of the video. Something for everyone! Let me know if you like it or not.

Should I avoid negative people? This is something that seems to crop up every so often. I wrote a post some time ago about limiting your exposure to negative people and I still get comments about it.

Recently, I received a comment from someone I will call Mr. Compassion. I call him this because he said I had no compassion. It seems I sound cold and selfish because I said that it is best to limit your exposure to negative people.

Disclaimer

I want to pause right here and state clearly that I am not a trained psychologist or psychiatrist. I am simply someone who has lived a lot of years and experienced a lot of life. I don’t claim to be an expert and my life isn’t perfect. I do know what works for me, and it seems to work for others as well.

Beware the disease?

Negativity is like a disease. It is contagious. I know that you have been around someone who is in a downer or is angry and felt the negative feelings associated with those emotions. If you were around them for any length of time, one of two things happened. You either built some sort of mental wall to protect yourself from their negative emotions, or you started to get down yourself. It is just how it works.

I mentioned in that post, and Mr. Compassion picked up on it, about my mother. My mom was a very negative person. She learned it in her childhood. As she lived life, it got worse. In her later years she struggled with Dementia and that progressed to Alzheimer’s.

I stated that I had to limit my exposure to her and Mr. Compassion came down on me for saying that. What he doesn’t know is that she moved here from her home in California so that I could help her. My brother and sister live hundreds of miles away. It was up to me.

When she had to go into a nursing home, it was me that visited her. At first it wasn’t too bad, but as the disease progressed, she got nastier. Often I was subjected to long diatribes about what a miserable person and son I was. I found I had to limit myself from that. I could only take so much.

Self preservation

I said before that I am not perfect. I have struggled for years with a negative attitude myself. Why? Because, as a child, I could never do anything right. Mom always made sure to tell me how I had screwed up. I don’t remember a single positive comment.

Now I don’t say this for you to feel sorry for me. It is in the past. My point is that, we don’t always have a choice about being in contact with these sorts of people, but the damage that can be done is there. When we do have a choice, my suggestion is still, to avoid them as much as possible.

For me, with my mother, I had no choice as a child, and not as an adult. There are other people who I do have a choice and I don’t hang around them much, or not at all.

Why?

Because I have enough problems with negativity. I don’t need to subject myself to more of the same disease. The same is true for you. Just listen to the news for a couple of nights and you will be filled with enough negativity to last you a long time. Why do that to yourself?

You are responsible for your own life and happiness. No one else can make you happy and you can’t make anyone else happy. You can be influenced, they can be influenced, but the ultimate decision to be happy is up to each individual.

If you let yourself be influenced by negative people more than you have to, you run the very big risk of coming down with the same condition. Should I avoid negative people? I still say yes! As much as I can. Should you? I think so. If this seems heartless to you, then do what your heart tells you, but beware, you run a risk of catching negativity.

Do you ever get down? It’s alright; you can admit it. We all do. We all

Feeling Down

Yeah, I know. It sound pretty cliche and trite, but for me it works. I just do whatever the next thing is that I have to do. Usually the more simple things work the best. Maybe it’s load the dishwasher. Maybe it’s go out and shovel snow (see what time of year it is for me?). Just doing whatever needs to be done will usually start to bring me out of depression.

What works for you? How about singing. I know someone who sings whenever she feels down and in no time, she is fine. There are a lot of destructive things that people do. I usedto get flaming drunk when I got down. Now I won’t say that never occurs anymore, but I know that it doesn’t work. In fact, it has the opposite effect for me, I wake up hung over and feeling even worse about myself.

Some people let their anger control them. This is also destructive. I know guy that used to punch things when he got down. It would make him angry and he would vent his frustration, depression and anger out on walls, cupboard doors and so on. I don’t know how many walls he had to patch, which made him feel pretty stupid.

Next time you get down, try my simple method. Just get up and do something. I don’t care what it is. Perhaps something physical would be best. Having a physical outlet helps many people. Anyway, try it and see how it works for you.

Here’s to You!

This morning I was listening to a podcast as I did my yoga. What caught my attention is the interviewee made a statement that insinuated that all Personal growth and development techniques and advice on the internet is crap! He was selling a self help product so what he was really saying is that everyone but me is selling crap. Now I admit that there is some real snake oil stuff out there, but most of it is not.

I am not a psychologist. I worked for over ten years in the mental health field, for fifteen years in business management, which is pretty much the same as the first one, and have been a minister for about twelve years, a combination of the first two careers. In that time, I have learned a bit about what makes people tick and how they live their lives.

Now I will be the first to admit that there is little new in the field of personal development and growth. The self help field relies more on ancient principles than it does new ones. The fact that they are ancient however, does not mean they are not useful. The trick in trying to help people change their lives is to say what needs to be done in such a way that the person reading it or hearing it can understand is and use it in their own lives.

Take goals for example. I heard it a million times how I had to have goals, but until someone said it in such a way that it sank into my thick skull, it didn’t mean a thing. Now I understand and goals work well for me. Then it did not.

My suggestion to you is to find someone who you can relate to. Find someone who says what you need to hear in a way that sinks in. I prefer to find someone who has actually used the methods that he or she is promoting. No offense intended to anyone, but why go to a priest for marriage counseling? If you haven’t lived with a member of the opposite sex, how can you know? Sure you read a book about it, but is that the same thing?

Personal development can only happen when you are able to make it personal! It has to mean something to you; be a part of you. then, and only then, can you begin to change and to grow!

Here’s to You!

P.S I just found this post along the same lines I encourage you to read it! Exposed!

This last week has been about adversity. We have to have some adversity or we will not get stronger. However, when adversity comes, and it will, what we do with it determines if we become stronger or not.

It all you do is whine and think that the world is against you, you will not become stronger. If you look for the opportunity in each situation, then life will take on a new meaning for you.
Here’s to You!

I am reading a great self help book right now, in fact it is sitting beside me as I write this. The book is The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz. It is about managing your energy, managing your adversity. It was recommended to me by Lynn Terry of Clicknewz. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but this was not it! I have to say that it is better!

One of the points in the book is that we need adversity or stress in order to make us stronger I wrote about that yesterday, so I won’t go on about it too much. the point is, we need a certain level of adversity or we become lazy and weak. Think of an athlete. If they don’t work out, run, swim, lift weights, their bodies do not become stronger and they cannot compete. Our bodies and our minds need a certain level of adversity or stress to make them strong.

The other side of this is that we all need to rest from stress. That same athlete, if he or she were to work out continually and never take time to rest, never allow the body to react and build back up, will soon become fatigued and they won’t be able to perform near as well.

The same holds true for us mentally. If we are continually under stress, we soon become less able to focus. We lose the competitive edge. Like the athlete, we need to take time to release the stress. This can be done in a number of ways. Meditation is good. Meditation comes on lots of different forms and you can read about that here.

Another way is some form of physical exercise. Go for a walk, a run, play tennis, ride a bike, work in the yard. There are any number of ways that you can work off stress. Some of them can be quite fun! Yes, I meant THAT! Most of us spend too many hours sitting in front of a computer at work and the physical exercise will not only help us lose mental stress, but will help get our bodies back in shape.

Adversity is not the enemy. In fact not enough adversity makes us weak. The enemy is having too much adversity or too little. Too much stress and not taking the time to do what is best for us physically and mentally causes us to become less focused and productive. Too little adversity and we become weak.. Check out The Power of Full Engagement. It’s worth having on your bookshelf. Take stock of your life and see where you are lacking in adversity, physical exercise perhaps, and where there is too much.
Here’s to You!